I have been questioned about this need now to exploit my sexuality or
push myself into territory that isn't really what I stand for - yet
I answer by saying that in order to find the balance I need to go even
further. I need to find what lays underneath. How far can I go before
I freak out? I have to scream from the rooftops who I am before I can
be completely comfortable in me. It is a process. A process I am willing
and am looking forward to being a part of. It is about me. Only me.
Joshua Grant, Manuscript, 7 May 2001
Joshua Grant discovers Narcissus'
watery mirror
- Sarah Farrar
Time and time again the same pantomime was enacted,
and time and again the nymph eluded his touch; but the enamoured youth
could not tear himself away from the spot haunted by this sweet image,
whose sensitive face reflected his every emotion, and who grew pale
and wan as he, -evidently, like him, a victim to love and despair.
- The story of Narcissus (H.A. Guerber, Greece and
Rome Myths and Legends. London, 1992, p.97.)
The camera offered Joshua Grant a scenario like that
of Narcissus staring endlessly at his reflection in a watery pool. In
his third year as a painting student at the University of Canterbury School
of Fine Arts, Grant fell in love with photography. "As soon as I
started playing with photographic images, I never wanted to paint again"
he stated (J. Grant, Interview, 2 October 2001). Grant was preoccupied
with identity, stereotypes, and the things that made him different from
the people around him. In 2001 he began a journey of self-exploration
and focused attention on his own identity as a young gay Pakeha male living
in the 21st century.
His move into self-portraiture in 2001 was a development
from his earlier portrait works, paintings that were extreme close-ups
of a friend's face. The images are cropped, sometimes removing the forehead,
chin, or cheeks. Grant described them as dark haunting images which became
increasingly stylised and theatrical. There is a strong connection between
these images and Grant's later self-portrait photographic works. Both
sets of work are highly engaging and dramatic: "when you walk into
the room they are staring at you and screaming for you to look at them"
(J. Grant, Interview, 2 October 2001).
At times this exploration took Grant into territory
in which he was not entirely comfortable, but this was necessary so that
he could find out more about himself. Grant's move to self-portraiture
was sparked by his discovery of the work of American photographer Cindy
Sherman. As he described, "Having never before been acquainted with
her work, I was instantly fascinated, attracted by the performative element
and the concept of assuming and documenting different roles." (J.
Grant, Work Proposal for 2001). By using herself as the model in her photographic
tableaux, Cindy Sherman created ambiguity about whether or not she was
depicting herself or acting the part of another character. "Conforming
herself to innumerable stereotypic images and personae, Sherman could
be everyone in her art and as such she was no-one (in her art)" Grant
noted in the catalogue for the Stop Red project.
He decided at that stage that he wanted "to assume
various roles, like Sherman, and document them in photographs." (J.
Grant, Work Proposal for 2001). Placing himself in the image and presenting
that to the public was initially difficult for the self-conscious art
student, something that was overcome by his increased ability to control
the image and what it would look like. "I'm not just taking snapshots
of my life. It's a quite different process. It might come across as glossy
and really fast, but the processes and the organizational stuff that goes
on behind it is quite intensive." (J. Grant, Interview, 2 October
2001). Grant's photographic works were the result of careful planning,
studio lighting, props, costumes, makeup, practiced poses, as well as
outside assistance from other photographers, artists and friends.
A self-portrait in drag
In Grant's Stop Red diptych, he appears dressed as a
prostitute in knee high boots and glossy red PVC mini-dress standing at
the corner of a filthy, dilapidated brick building. A white arrow painted
on a red background of one wall points at the lone figure, an unsubtle
call for business, a detail which draws attention to the hooker and poignantly
highlights her isolation and vulnerability. Working on this project was
an unnerving experience for Grant, bringing him directly into the "realm
of some people that live off selling their bodies for money" (J.
Grant, Manuscript, undated). He was forced to consider issues which he
would not have encountered had he recreated the scene in a studio setting,
"Am I treating their 'territory' with respect by entering the environment
with a somewhat glossy and glamorous approach, just looking at the role
of women on the game with the viewpoint of the image only, rather than
thinking about the issues of desperation and necessity pushing them into
doing something commonly thought of as reprehensible?" (J. Grant,
Manuscript, undated). Ultimately, once the photographs had been taken,
Grant found working on the project an enormous "release of the tension
that I feel about what I represent to the world" (J. Grant, Manuscript,
27 May 2001).
Despite initial reservations, dressing up came naturally
to Grant and he came to revel in the performance of acting out various
parts and pretending to be someone else. "You know the whole kind
of fairytale, Versace kind of look. I think that's really cool and it's
definitely not for every one. But I love it and I love its constructed
nature. It's such a façade that I find it very attractive."
(J. Grant, Interview, 2 October 2001). He believed that for a large part
of his life, he had been able to "suppress the person that makes
me up" and to "hide so successfully behind a façade
"
(J. Grant, Manuscript, 27 May 2001). As he felt he had been playing a
part for so long, to be open about it and play with the idea was a very
liberating experience. "I have obsessed and ignored and grappled
with this person I am for so long that I am rather au fait with it now.
Why not? It seems like the most natural thing to 'play' with in this forum"
(J. Grant, Manuscript, 7 May 2001).
Grant's journey of self-discovery led in 2001 to a greater
sense of clarity and confidence both personally and in terms of his art
making. Unlike Narcissus, he recognised the face staring back at him as
his own. He had finally found the ideal medium to express himself in and
content that concerned him so deeply that he was never at a loss for an
'idea' or the 'feeling' that he wanted to communicate. This is the legacy
and the challenge that he leaves his family, friends and contemporaries.
There is a solitude of space
A solitude of sea
A solitude of death, but these
Society shall be
Compared with that profounder site
That polar privacy
A soul admitted to itself
Finite infinity.
- Emily Dickinson
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